Understanding Children

This book discusses developmental psychology and presents both practical and philosophical approaches to parenting.

An infant is richly endowed with all of life’s tendencies and resembles humans that have gone before. Humans all tend to do similar things and have similar thoughts, but there is a range of mental abilities. The range of mental ability is sufficiently great that humans of limited mental ability live different lives with different understanding than humans with greater mental abilities. Since humans are social animals and live in groups that function best when there is a diversity of mental abilities and skills, the range of abilities in any given population may be stable over time and tolerance for differences has survival value.

Every child enters a competitive world in which he or she will be relentlessly compared with other children.  Social acceptance will depend on the child’s ability to form and maintain alliances with other children and key adults such as teachers, coaches, and counselors. One of the tasks for parents is to help their children navigate through a maze of obstacles and threats.  A good parent teaches survival skills and provides reassurance that the taunts and threats of teasers and bullies are not as serious as they sometimes seem.  At the same time, the good parent is alert to the possibility of real danger and intervenes strategically whenever threats do become serious.

Parenting is not easy.  A new mother hopes that her baby will strengthen the bond with the father and secure life-long commitment. While the parent bond may keep dad in the picture, the opposite effect can also occur, leaving the father in an ambivalent predicament. Babies are, in a practical sense, are cute little tyrants who monopolize the mother's time, energy and body, leaving the father (the once-upon-a- time starry-eyed lover) estranged, neglected and working hard to keep the family together. Lovers no longer, parents struggle to develop a new relationship based on the needs and demands of their children.

Parents with more than one child are treated to a daily drama of interaction that involves some pleasant and some unpleasant experiences. Beginning parents will often believe that their children should be similar to themselves and should display all their most positive qualities. This hopeful assumption will lead inevitably to disappointment. Each child is different, sometimes dramatically different from other siblings and the parents. The variance in IQ score among 3 siblings in a family will, for example, be as great as the variance in the community at large. The differences in the performance of school work and social adaptation will alarm and confuse parents who expect to adhere to a high family standard. The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment when a child fails to achieve or rebels.

The variance among siblings can involve every aspect of living. We will consider the importance of food choices in determining biological outcomes and recognize that one child may do well on “normal food” and another will be sick or disabled. Even siblings that are reasonably alike, will compete, argue and fight. Parents learn than conflict is a natural tendency among humans and the ongoing lessons built into family life revolve around winning, losing and negotiation for the best deal. In the best case, siblings learn to respect each others differences, respect private spaces and learn to cooperate. In the worst case siblings compete relentlessly, do battle and split the family in ongoing conflicts motivated by the drive to gain more resources, more privileges and improved status.